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January 29, 2006

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Future King’s Ire Spreads Over Margarine Company’s Claim By Thurston Langston (BVD) SOUTH YORKFORDSHROPSHIRE, ENGLAND (AP): In what some say may be the beginnings of a drawn out legal battle, Prince Charles, possible future heir to the throne of England, lambasted Imperial Margarine Company claims that their product is “fit for a king.” “Rubbish,” replied his almost royal highness, “as a member of a family that has dominated over a historically imperialist nation, I can assure you their claims are baseless. This tripe passing for a kingly sustenance? Ha. These declarations are as flimsy as the tubs they are served in.” When asked about his son William’s appetite for the said spread, Charles, former husband of the long dead Princess Diana, dismissed the idea, attributing it to the “munchies.” “Besides, he’s not really even a prince yet, and he might not ever be if he doesn’t watch his step,” continued Prince Charles, former brother-in-law to Duchess gone Weight Watchers pitch-woman Sarah Ferguson. The Imperial Margarine Company, however, stood by their advertising slogan. “Who’s to say what margarine is and isn’t fit for a king,” answered Paul Bayer, spokesman for the margarine maker. “Maybe we don’t mean king in a royal sense, maybe we mean it’s fit for someone like Larry King or Don King or even Elvis Pressley,” Bayer added. But when pressed on the advertisement’s intentions, taking into account the use of a purple cloak and velvet crown, Bayer may have attempted to cover his tracks. “Maybe we do mean it in a royal sense, but it doesn’t necessarily have to reflect the tastes of the British crown, I’ve never seen any of the British royal family dressed in a purple cloak and velvet crown. Perhaps it’s fit for the king of an empire that no longer exists? If that’s the case, then who can say whether that king would have preferred Imperial Margarine.” “I can,” snapped Charles when told of Bayer’s remarks. I can tell right now, without being crowned.” While the war of words heats up between the Prince and Imperial, legal watchers are already evaluating each side’s arguments. Edmund Lear, Yorkfordshropshire barrister, believes Prince Charles may have a tough time disclaiming Imperial Margarine. “While most would agree that the Prince has a keen taste meticulously shaped through centuries of inbreeding, his case is dramatically weakened by the mere fact that he is not a king, and may never be a king due to his indiscretions as concerning the rules of royal coronation.” This is the point that many believe could prove the biggest obstacle for Charles and, at the same time, the biggest boon for Imperial. “Hey, we didn’t say our margarine was fit for a prince, no, we said a king,” said an unnamed attorney for Imperial. But Sir Owen McKornurts, spokesman for Prince Charles, said that despite the Prince’s non-kingship he remains steadfast. “The Prince, and I dare say myself and the majority of the gentlemen and ladies of court, believes this fancied-up lard disguised as margarine is not fit for the Duke of Wales, let alone the King of England, however it might pass muster for the Earl of Sandwich.” When asked what spread the Prince does prefer atop his biscuits McKornurts answered, “simple oleo with few shakes of Molly McButter.”

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